Just Plain Unlikely
by Austrian Artemis
Summary: Artemis stupidly winds up in the world of Hetalia. He meets various characters and funny things happen. With lots of humor and drama and historical references.  The chapters are really screwy though, the first chapter actually has chapters 1-3. Enjoy!


"Without me, you can't have mass!" Artemis said, and almost cracked up. It was a rare moment when the great Artemis Fowl could entertain himself with such a punchline. His voice was raised and he chuckled a little bit, holding back undignified laughter.

"SHUT UP!" Juliet screamed, her laptop almost falling off of her thighs onto the floor from the couch. "I'M TRYING TO WATCH HETALIA!" She threw her hands in the air and caught the laptop before it fell.

Artemis paused for a moment. "Did you say…? Hetalia? Is that the anime where countries are personified into stereotypical, racist, radical characters?"

Juliet suddenly changed moods. "YUP! Isn't it hilarious?" She grinned and turned her attention back to the laptop.

"I don't know, I've never seen it, I've just heard you talk about it nonstop since you were about thirteen." Artemis said, and he was about to leave.

"Holy crap! You HAVE to watch this." Juliet said, and pulled his arm. He involuntarily plopped down on the couch next to her and she clicked a link on the screen that said, "Hetalia: Axis Powers, episode one". She pulled the right earbud out of her ear and forced it into Artemis's.

"That wasn't very sanitary…" Artemis mused, and Juliet shushed him.

The video began playing, and Artemis felt a sudden jolt rip through him like lightning. "What…?" Artemis began, but he never finished.

Blue light flashed around him one second, and the next he saw people from many different ethnic groups, and he assumed he was having a bad dream. He was sitting in a large room, with big windows and oversized curtains, with a crowd of people before him that consisted of so many he didn't have time to look at them all before a fight started.

"What's going on?" He said aloud. He suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up at a tall man with gray hair and purple eyes, wearing a scarf and coat despite being inside.

"America, France, and England are at it again," the man said with a Russian accent.

"Wait, their names are America, France, and England?" Artemis said, looking over at the three men beating the living daylights out of each other.

The tall man laughed. "Of course not, silly, they ARE America, France, and England."

"What?" Artemis said, a little startled. "And who are you?"

"I'm Russia, of course!" The man said with a laugh. He turned Artemis to the left and pointed across the table at a mad-looking woman with a purple dress and a bow in her blond hair, which fell past her shoulders as she hunched over. "That's my little sister, Belarus. She's a little nutty in the head!" He laughed. Artemis didn't.

"Belarus? What do you mean? She _is _Belarus?" Artemis was confused beyond belief.

"Of course! This _is _the world meeting. Who are you?" Russia asked him, leaning in uncomfortably close and smiling in an uncomfortably awkward way.

Artemis looked around the room, at all the national flags on the chairs. America, France, England, Spain, Germany, Italy… was there no Ireland? He quickly made a decision. "I'm… Ireland."

Russia laughed. "Really? Glad you could make it, kid!" He playfully punched his shoulder, and it hurt more than was probably intended. Russia was a big guy. "Hey guys, Ireland is here!" He announced, and everyone turned to look at Artemis.

England appeared next to him, with his arm around him. "Hey! It's my good buddy Ireland. You know, Northern Ireland isn't still mad at you about the whole 'religious difference' thing," he said happily and persuasively. "Why don't you come home?"

Artemis looked at him angrily. "Actually, Northern Ireland is a little put out, and Ireland… I mean, _I _am a little put out as well."

England frowned and narrowed his eyes, and walked away sulkily. Another man, who looked feminine with his long blonde hair, spoke with a French accent. "Of course he doesn't want to join you, he wants to come join me!"

Artemis looked up at the innocently smiling man and frowned. "I don't want to join you, either, France. I'm just fine on my own." Artemis brushed his suit off.

Several countries – people – laughed. France giggled as well. "Ah, but you are just a child! The world isn't safe out there, especially with Russia out to claim whatever he can!"

Artemis mentally hit himself. He should've realized this sooner. "I…I'm just short." He stated. The countries continued laughing, when suddenly a voice spoke up from across the room, in a German-sounding accent. Not quite German, though, Artemis noted.

"Leave the boy alone," the man said, and the crowd cleared as he got up from a piano bench, where he had been playing piano, and walked towards Artemis. The man put a firm hand on Artemis's left shoulder. He wore a purple coat over a white shirt with a layered fluffy necktie. The coat came down to his knees and he wore brown breeches and white stockings. His black shoes had a golden buckle across the top and he looked like he had just walked out of 18th century Europe. His silver glasses accented his odd lavender eyes, and his brown hair was swept to one side but still hung loosely over his forehead.

Artemis could not take his eyes off of this man, for his stature was so… determined… but he allowed himself to briefly look up at Russia. Russia looked shocked. "Ireland, you got Austria to speak! Usually he is quiet and just sits and plays the piano in the back during meetings."

_Austria._

No wonder Artemis could not take his gaze off of this heroic-looking man. His face was stern, and Artemis felt it hard not to smile in his presence. He seemed so… valiant, but yet so… Artemis couldn't find a word for it… maybe… gentle. No, that wasn't it. Was it friendly? No…

Artemis didn't have time before Austria spoke to him. "Ireland, correct?" He asked.

"Yes, you are… Herr Austria?" Artemis chose his words carefully, so as not to seem like this man's superior. Under normal circumstances he would have, but this was… _Austria!_ Land of music, musicians, passion, and chocolate! _Austria!_

Austria smiled. A few members of the meeting seemed to find this shocking. "Ah, do not be so formal. We are all equals here, no? Just call me Austria." He stuck out his hand and Artemis returned the handshake. He felt honored to be meeting Austria.

Then he shook himself. _Don't be foolish, this isn't the _real_ Austria. Austria is a country, not a person!_ Then he thought, _might as well be respectful. Humor him. Humor them all. _

"I have always been amazed at the music composed by Austrians, especially the great Mozart," Artemis said. He was thinking that they had a lot in common, both being a genius and all.

"Ah, well, can you play piano?" Austria asked him. All eyes from the other countries were still fixated on the two.

Artemis looked at the piano, stood up straight, and then looked back at Austria. "A little. I'm still… learning," they both paused, when suddenly he got an idea. "Perhaps you could teach me a little?" He asked.

Austria smiled again. "I'd be delighted." He led Artemis to the piano and the other countries eventually, one by one, pulled their eyes off of the two odd countries, sitting at the piano.

Two

Artemis and Austria were the only ones left at the piano, so Austria offered to let him stay at his house for a while. Artemis enjoyed the architecture and the paintings, and he eventually retired to a guest bedroom.

Artemis dressed for bed and pulled the covers over him, thinking about what exactly had transported him into this… world of… Hetalia… when he heard the piano playing from downstairs.

He was curious to see what it was, but he didn't want to go ask and be disrespectful. Instead he merely listened from outside the door of the large study where the piano was kept. It seemed like all Austria wanted to do was play piano.

"That's why I loved him…" said a female voice. Artemis jumped a little, and turned around to see a lovely young lady with big eyes and long, wavy, tan hair. She wore a white apron and orange dress, and never took her glance off of Austria.

"You are…?" Artemis said. He was about to guess, but then she interrupted him.

"Hungary. I heard Austria was letting you stay at his place for a while, and I wanted to come meet you since I never got to talk to you at the meeting today." She still never looked down at Artemis.

"Then… how did you get in!" Artemis said, a little startled. He knew Hungary wasn't under Austrian control, so she didn't live in his house, did she? He was alarmed at her odd behavior. Was every country this odd?

She smiled. "He always leaves a key under his mat. Did the same thing when I used to live here. He's a little too… optimistic. You know? Like nobody would come steal from him. At least you and I are the only ones that know."

Artemis felt odd intruding on their fallen relationship. "Why don't you say anything to him?" He figured this would be the best thing to do, not that he had any relationship experience.

"Well… it just doesn't work that way." She said wistfully.

"Then… how does it work?" he asked. He was eager to learn something new.

Hungary closed her eyes and chuckled. "Boy, you aren't too experienced, are you? You and England probably go off all day not paying attention and play with your fairy friends. That's alright. I used to do that as well. Nomadic life was fun…"

Artemis was about to interrupt, but he decided against it. He did 'go off and play with his fairy friends', didn't he? He let her go on.

"These days, none of us goes off and just falls in love with someone else. We broke off our marriage long ago, and marriages between any of us are just politics. I wouldn't want to burden Mr. Austria with me being annexed, and he wouldn't want to burden me with him being annexed. If we merged into one country, a lot of people would be unhappy. I need to move on, too. I've got my own people to think of. I'll let him sit at the piano and play whatever he wants. He's well off without me."

Hungary gave a long explanation. The entire time she never stopped looking at him. Then she finally looked down at Artemis with her big eyes and smiled. "You know, I don't know what it is about you, but I feel like I've just ranted and ranted to you. I'm not usually this sentimental with anyone except Ukraine nowadays, and all she does is cry. It's refreshing to talk to someone new. How about we meet up here tomorrow and we can talk, and that way I'm not just ranting to you the whole time?"

Artemis tried to smile, but it didn't work. He nodded. "It was nice to meet you," he said, and turned back to Austria playing the piano. He had almost finished Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata, which Artemis found odd since Beethoven was German. Artemis looked back up to say good-bye to Hungary, but she had disappeared.

"What an odd place." He mused, and went back to bed.

Chapter Three

Artemis woke up, but his eyes remained closed. He saw the sunlight turn the back of his eyelids red, so he flipped over and then opened his eyes.

He jumped.

A smiling, brown-eyed, red-haired face was staring right at him. "Ciao!" The face said happily.

Artemis was shaking, but he was sitting straight up. He wanted to scream at this person. "Um… hello?" He said confused. This was random.

"Are you Ireland?" The man/boy/person said, his eyes now closed. Artemis realized he spoke with an Italian accent.

"Well… yes…?" Artemis answered.

The man grabbed his hand and shook it up and down. "It's so nice to meet you! I'm Italy, actually North Italy, but my brother Romano calls me Veneziano! You can just call me Italy! Austria has told Germany and I lots about you…!"

Italy kept rambling for a while before a loud, booming voice came up the stairs. "Italy! I hope you're not being a pain in the _hintern_!"

Artemis stood up, realizing he was the same height as Italy. Italy smiled. "That's Germany! You'll like him, he's a little scary, but he's not so bad!"

"…Germany…?" Artemis wondered, but Italy seemed to float out of the room and downstairs. By the time Artemis had walked all the way down there, Austria, Germany, and Italy were all gathered at the dining table sipping some liquid from mugs.

"Good morning, Ireland, did you sleep vell?" Austria asked him with a polite smile.

"Oh yes," Artemis said. "I went to bed shortly after I heard you play some Beethoven. It was very nice, by the way."

Austria perked up. A certain cockiness came over him, and he acted pleasantly surprised. "Vell, Beethoven vas a great man from my country." He spoke in Germany's general direction.

"God, you idiot! How many times to I have to remind you that Beethoven vas German!" Germany shouted, his blonde hair not moving an inch. Artemis was almost glad he wasn't greeted by him.

Austria closed his eyes and turned his back. He picked up his mug and took a sip. "Vell, even if it IS the case, ve know he vas raised in my lands, no?" He looked over and saw Italy holding his stomach. "Vhat is it, Italia?"

Italy looked down, frowning sadly. "I'm hungry, and Mr. Austria never has any pasta," he paused, and Artemis heard and audible growl.

Artemis soon realized he was hungry too. He debated not saying anything, because he knew that though he may have been legitimately hungry, there was an Italian transfer student at St. Bartleby's that claimed to be hypoglycemic just so the teachers would let him eat in their classes.

Germany put his face in his left hand, his elbow resting on the table. "Ve just ate, Italy," he said.

"But I'm a-so hungry!" Italy had tears on the edge of his eyes. Artemis pondered how random and odd these people were as he too sat down on Austria's left.

Austria shook his head. "Vell, I expected as much. I'll make some Veiner Schnitzel and Erdäpfel Salat to appease the three of you. You like potatoes, I assume, Ireland?" Austria asked him.

"Oh, well, yes. Though in past years it would've been useful to have more variety in my diet to avoid some things, wouldn't it?" Artemis smirked at his little joke, but suddenly the mood darkened over the four of them.

Germany spoke first after a moment of silence. "Oh. Yes. If I haven't told you before, I'm very sorry about the entire famine. I know how important potatoes are."

"It's…" Artemis began again.

"Ve have all had our share of famines," Austria stated.

"I have run out of pasta before when the price got a-too high, it was a-miserable!" Italy said, tears now streaming down his face.

Artemis thought for a moment. "It's alright, men. I survived, didn't I?" He tried to lighten the mood.

Germany smirked. "Ah, yes. I'm happy for you that it has recently ended. Now let's just hope ve can stay out of America's business… he's at var with himself, if you haven't heard."

Austria rolled his eyes. "Something told me it vould happen. That idiot didn't keep himself together. Hopefully zis vill all be over before 1863."

Artemis suddenly realized something. He had somehow ended up in the 1860's, but yesterday was 2011? He was about to say that the Union had won the civil war, but he decided against it. They would find out eventually, and he didn't want to ruin history.

Instead, he raised his glass. "A toast." He announced. "To peace. May we all achieve its wonderful grasp."

The three men raised their glasses along side Artemis. "To peace!" They repeated, and took a long swig.

Before Artemis could put down his glass, he heard Austria's doorbell ring. Austria put his glass down and rolled his eyes. "God, let it not be France."


End file.
